I discovered something this week. Im plus size, yup Im fat… No I haven’t suddenly gained a load of weight, I just realised that it is how other people see me.
I was a skinny kid, my grandfather used to call me a skeleton with a fringe. I was a skinny teenager, I used to be a size 6 – 8, then at 19 I had my first child and went from a 6 to a 16, it hit me hard, along with a good dose of post natal depression. But I threw myself into being a mum and put my weight out of my mind, after all I had a loving partner and a gorgeous baby son. Two years later I had my daughter and two years after that I had my third child, our youngest son. Each time I got pregnant I gained a little more and a little more.
Fast forward 7 years and I have never got back to my pre child weight, sometimes this bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t. I have tried every diet going and can lose the weight but then it all creeps back on and to be honest I love food too much to be on a diet for the rest of my life. Im currently a size 16/18 with a BMI that tells me Im overweight (no shit, Sherlock!)
Whatever weight I am and whether it’s annoying me or not I have always had the love and support of the husband, he says that men like women, and if a woman is willing to let them touch their boobs, they don’t care what size or shape they are! He always tells me that he fancies me and that he couldn’t care less what size I am (though after watching those half ton human programmes, he did say he would draw the line at removing the side of our house to get me out…)
Anyway throughout my long and varied diet history, I have always had this kind of backwards anorexia thing going on. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a fat bird, I see me. I probably see myself smaller than I actually am. I was raised by my mum with two older sisters and we are all confident and sassy women – we don’t take shit from anyone and we aren’t afraid to say that we are strong and beautiful women. Im sorry if this sounds big headed because it really isn’t meant to but I wasn’t raised to be a shy wallflower, I was raised to be proud of what Ive got! I used to say “I may be fat, but Im fucking pretty!”
So this week I saw on Facebook some male friends talking about an x-factor contestant, specifically about her weight. It was fairly nasty but juvenile and silly comments. I commented “you horrid boys!” and received immediate apologetic replies from them all. And then it hit me.
They weren’t apologising because I was a woman who was offended (other people had commented before me saying similar things to me with no apology), they were apologising because they saw me as a fat woman who they had offended.
Wow. I suddenly realised how others saw me. Im a fat woman. A plus size woman.
There is nothing at all wrong with that but I had never seen myself as that before, silly as that may sound as I have been a similar weight for years! I know I am overweight, and I always make the fat joke before anyone else can. But in that split second I saw myself as other people see me.
Now as I said Im no wallflower and I replied that they were only apologising because “you know this fat girl could kick your arses. All of you at the same time. I’m like the hulk. I throw you motherfuckers all over the place…” And actually I think they were apologising because Im a friend and they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but a fat friend.
So yes, that’s it… Im coming out of the closet. Do I get a cheer? What about a chant? Id love a chant “Im fat, I like cats, get used to it!” – sorry, that is a TERRIBLE chant!
This is what a size 16 looks like…
It actually feels quite liberating you know, I realise that however people see me doesn’t change who I am. I would like to shift a few pounds but only because I want to be fit, I don’t want to end up with weight related illnesses. But I have wasted 7 years dieting and Im not going to spend the next 7 years dieting too… I like me, I like how I look (most of the time! Timm you are not allowed to use this post against me next time I have tried on everything I own before were going out!!!) so HOORAY for the fat girls… because we make the rockin’ world go round.
So boys, listen up. We have tits and hips and curvy, wobbly bits, true. But don’t try and make us ashamed or sad. Celebrate that we are all different and know that women are awesome whatever size we are…
Love Sam xx